Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Extreme Self Care
Here is a reply to the post of yesterday. To me it is right on target and fully consistent with the work I do as a business and life coach with my clients. Thank you, Larry. I look forward to hearing and sharing readers' thoughts and ideas. Dialogue is one of the highest forms of communication.
"While I find the theme and premise of this article to be true, I don’t see a “real” solution. Yes, the writer says, “Invest in yourself – take a vacation.” I know that it is an example, but it is vague. Vague means that the words don’t really “point” anywhere useful or meaningful. I know people, including myself, that take and have taken vacations for many years, but still don’t “self care”. What is that about?
If vacations were the answer, we’d have lots of people that “self cared” all over the place. For me, where “self care” really happens is when I can see reality outside the mental imaginations of my own mind, come to reality, live with it, see my choices, do what is truly good for me and quit making it up. The reason that people work 60 to 70 hours a week is because they have a fantasy in their mind. They are chasing the future, the good life, keeping up with the Jones’ and other things. The truth is that in their minds they have a self image that is ok at work and not ok at home or elsewhere. The “me” that is home with wife and kids is “not comfortable”, whereas the “me” (in my head) that is at work is “worthwhile” and more important – POWEFUL!
I find that people who spend their life at work feel powerful at work. When they see themselves in their head, the mental “me”, the model they make of themselves inside is powerful, knowing and in control. At home, there is no control, there is no power – the wife runs over me, the kids I don’t understand and cannot connect with – the story goes on and on.
What I have found is simple freedom. Once I came out of the little “me” story in my head and left the power and control behind, I found that I could see my wife for who she really is. I found that I can talk to her, that she understands me, she listens to me, I hear her, I hear her feelings and what makes her happy and sad. There is so much to be said for reality, but when it is blocked out by “me” living in the made up world that I built for myself inside my own imagination, there was little good that came of it. I destroyed one marriage and nearly my second. I was angry and upset, mad, in a rage, anxious, afraid and fearful all the time. I felt very little towards myself that was good and was always putting myself down. I felt that I could not achieve and there was little chance of success. I depended on others for my happiness and my provision.
What I have now is complete freedom. It doesn’t mean that life is rosey. What it means is that life is comprehensible and manageable. What it means is that life now has real choices where I get to have choices of good things for myself and when I see clearly that I have these I do them. Not only this, I see this for others as well. I don’t cross boundaries for others. I see that they have choice. I call them to it, if they so ask me to. I don’t cross over when a choice is clearly meant for another. There are so many things that have changed in my life I cannot begin to express to you the depth and power of what “knowing” this “mental mechanism” means to me in REAL and tangible terms.
My wife sees a different man. She watches the miracle taking place and always says to me how it leaves her feeling very proud and happy. She knows that I love her for real now. Where I used to do nothing but yell, get upset and turn inward into pity-parties, pouting, self doubt and self destructiveness, I now turn outward into what is real and face it head on – even if it is personally hard and difficult. Life I see is just that way. The perils are real, but the rewards are just as personally real and attainable. It’s all wrapped up in my choices in the reality of NOW – not in the lie of my own mind and the made up places where I used to live.
I do hope that there is something of value for you in what I have written.
Sincerely,
Larry Rix"
"While I find the theme and premise of this article to be true, I don’t see a “real” solution. Yes, the writer says, “Invest in yourself – take a vacation.” I know that it is an example, but it is vague. Vague means that the words don’t really “point” anywhere useful or meaningful. I know people, including myself, that take and have taken vacations for many years, but still don’t “self care”. What is that about?
If vacations were the answer, we’d have lots of people that “self cared” all over the place. For me, where “self care” really happens is when I can see reality outside the mental imaginations of my own mind, come to reality, live with it, see my choices, do what is truly good for me and quit making it up. The reason that people work 60 to 70 hours a week is because they have a fantasy in their mind. They are chasing the future, the good life, keeping up with the Jones’ and other things. The truth is that in their minds they have a self image that is ok at work and not ok at home or elsewhere. The “me” that is home with wife and kids is “not comfortable”, whereas the “me” (in my head) that is at work is “worthwhile” and more important – POWEFUL!
I find that people who spend their life at work feel powerful at work. When they see themselves in their head, the mental “me”, the model they make of themselves inside is powerful, knowing and in control. At home, there is no control, there is no power – the wife runs over me, the kids I don’t understand and cannot connect with – the story goes on and on.
What I have found is simple freedom. Once I came out of the little “me” story in my head and left the power and control behind, I found that I could see my wife for who she really is. I found that I can talk to her, that she understands me, she listens to me, I hear her, I hear her feelings and what makes her happy and sad. There is so much to be said for reality, but when it is blocked out by “me” living in the made up world that I built for myself inside my own imagination, there was little good that came of it. I destroyed one marriage and nearly my second. I was angry and upset, mad, in a rage, anxious, afraid and fearful all the time. I felt very little towards myself that was good and was always putting myself down. I felt that I could not achieve and there was little chance of success. I depended on others for my happiness and my provision.
What I have now is complete freedom. It doesn’t mean that life is rosey. What it means is that life is comprehensible and manageable. What it means is that life now has real choices where I get to have choices of good things for myself and when I see clearly that I have these I do them. Not only this, I see this for others as well. I don’t cross boundaries for others. I see that they have choice. I call them to it, if they so ask me to. I don’t cross over when a choice is clearly meant for another. There are so many things that have changed in my life I cannot begin to express to you the depth and power of what “knowing” this “mental mechanism” means to me in REAL and tangible terms.
My wife sees a different man. She watches the miracle taking place and always says to me how it leaves her feeling very proud and happy. She knows that I love her for real now. Where I used to do nothing but yell, get upset and turn inward into pity-parties, pouting, self doubt and self destructiveness, I now turn outward into what is real and face it head on – even if it is personally hard and difficult. Life I see is just that way. The perils are real, but the rewards are just as personally real and attainable. It’s all wrapped up in my choices in the reality of NOW – not in the lie of my own mind and the made up places where I used to live.
I do hope that there is something of value for you in what I have written.
Sincerely,
Larry Rix"
